ClownFellas Read online

  ClownFellas is a work of fiction. Names, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  A Hydra eBook Original

  Copyright © 2015 by Penguin Random House LLC

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Hydra, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

  HYDRA is a registered trademark and the HYDRA colophon is a trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.

  eBook ISBN 9780804179355

  Cover design: David G. Stevenson

  Cover illustration: © Paul Youll

  readhydra.com

  v4.1

  ep

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Ranks in the Bozo Crime Family

  Part One: City of Clowns

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Part Two: The Juggler Brothers

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Part Three: A Sad Day for a Happy Clown

  Chapter 52

  Chapter 53

  Chapter 54

  Chapter 55

  Chapter 56

  Chapter 57

  Chapter 58

  Chapter 59

  Chapter 60

  Chapter 61

  Chapter 62

  Chapter 63

  Chapter 64

  Chapter 65

  Chapter 66

  Chapter 67

  Chapter 68

  Chapter 69

  Chapter 70

  Chapter 71

  Chapter 72

  Chapter 73

  Chapter 74

  Chapter 75

  Chapter 76

  Chapter 77

  Part Four: Funny Business

  Chapter 78

  Chapter 79

  Chapter 80

  Chapter 81

  Chapter 82

  Chapter 83

  Chapter 84

  Chapter 85

  Chapter 86

  Chapter 87

  Chapter 88

  Chapter 89

  Chapter 90

  Chapter 91

  Chapter 92

  Chapter 93

  Chapter 94

  Chapter 95

  Chapter 96

  Chapter 97

  Chapter 98

  Chapter 99

  Chapter 100

  Part Five: The Unwhackable Bingo Ballbreaker

  Chapter 101

  Chapter 102

  Chapter 103

  Chapter 104

  Chapter 105

  Chapter 106

  Chapter 107

  Chapter 108

  Chapter 109

  Chapter 110

  Chapter 111

  Chapter 112

  Chapter 113

  Chapter 114

  Chapter 115

  Chapter 116

  Chapter 117

  Chapter 118

  Chapter 119

  Part Six: Wedding Day

  Chapter 120

  Chapter 121

  Chapter 122

  Chapter 123

  Chapter 124

  Chapter 125

  Chapter 126

  Chapter 127

  Chapter 128

  Chapter 129

  Chapter 130

  Chapter 131

  Chapter 132

  Chapter 133

  Chapter 134

  Chapter 135

  Chapter 136

  Chapter 137

  Chapter 138

  Chapter 139

  Chapter 140

  Chapter 141

  Chapter 142

  About the Author

  Ranks in the Bozo Crime Family

  Boss

  Don Bozo

  Underboss

  Uncle Jojo

  Street Boss (Top Capo)

  Vinnie Blue Nose

  Capos

  Lorenzo Laffypants

  Beano Moretti

  Buggy Buttons

  Jimmy Bozo

  Chunks Santoro

  Soldiers (Made Clowns)

  Captain Spotty

  Bingo Ballbreaker

  Hats Rizzo

  Jackie the Grump

  Winky Gagliano

  Snuffy Sparkles

  Puppets Palisano

  Associates

  Pinky Smiles

  Nicky Bowtie

  Spanky Carbone

  Tickles Valentino

  Drips Moretti

  Zippo Moretti

  Others

  Earl Berryman—a veterinarian

  Miss Tina—runs Rainbow Gardens brothel

  Reverend Jellybottom—a preacher

  Mr. Pogo—a contract killer

  Slicey—runs the organ black market

  Taffy Bozo—the boss’s niece

  Happytooth—the boss’s lion

  Mittens—a bulldog

  Part One

  City of Clowns

  Chapter 1

  “So you the doc?” the clown asked in a deep, raspy voice.

  Earl couldn’t even respond to the question. He just stood on the curb, frozen in shock, trembling like a chicken about to get its head bitten off by a sideshow geek. Ever since he was a kid, Earl Berryman had been terrified of clowns. There was something about their googly eyes, inhuman smiles, and skin-curdling giggles that made the poor schmuck cry like a baby. You’d think he would’ve grown out of it, him being an educated man and all, but over the years his phobia only got worse—especially now that there was a whole race of clowns out there, walking around New York in their size 30 shoes.

  The clown leaned out of his lipstick-red car. “Hey, foureyes, I’m asking you a question over here.”

  Only spittle and gibberish sprayed out when Earl tried to speak. He hadn’t been this close to a clown since his mother hired some junkie to dress up in clown makeup for his sixth birthday party and the freak went into a drug-induced seizure, puking white foam all over his Power Rangers birthday cake. Earl thought he’d be able to handle spending a single day with a group of clowns, but his coulrophobia was getting the better of him. He already regretted taking this job.

  “I’m here to pick up a guy named Berryman,” said the clown. Smoke billowed out the car window, but there was no sign of any cigar or cigarette. “If that’s you, get in the freakin’ car. If not, then get lost.”

&n
bsp; Sweat pooled inside Earl’s slate-gray suit. Every fiber of his being begged him to turn around and run in the other direction, but he had to be strong. His family was depending on him.

  After taking a deep breath, Earl said, “Yeah, that’s me.”

  “Then hurry it up already. I’m on a schedule here.”

  Earl picked up his case of medical equipment and rushed toward the tiny car. The smell of rotting cotton candy and cheap gin hit him in the face as he squeezed into the passenger seat. The interior was a swirl of pink and blue, with a stick shift that looked like a giant lollipop and purple balloons that hung from the rearview mirror like fuzzy dice. It hardly looked like the vehicle a killer would drive.

  “They call me Captain Spotty,” the clown introduced himself, holding out his hand to shake.

  When Earl looked at him, his skin crawled. With his wild-eyed stare and permanent crazed smile exposing a row of black rotten teeth, Captain Spotty was the single most terrifying clown Earl had ever seen. His style was that of a hobo, with a patchwork coat made of green-and-orange plaid. A family of cockroaches scurried beneath his shabby clothes, crawling in and out of his collar and up his neck. Earl had to hold his breath to stop himself from screaming.

  As Spotty shook his hand, the paper-white clown skin felt cold and rubbery to the touch. Earl knew clowns weren’t human, but he didn’t realize just how inhuman they really were until he felt one in the flesh. He jerked his hand away as a cockroach crawled out the clown’s sleeve and tickled his knuckle.

  Captain Spotty wiggled his bright-red nose when he saw the uneasy look on Earl’s face. “What’s wrong with you? You look like you’re shitting bricks over there.”

  “No, I’m just…” Earl diverted his eyes.

  “You wearing a wire?” Spotty asked.

  “No, no way,” Earl said.

  The clown pulled a pink knife out of his bow tie. “I’ll slit your throat if you come into my car wearing a wire!”

  Earl had no idea where the clown’s outburst had come from. He shrank into the corner of his seat as the knife approached his throat. The blade was carved out of a watermelon Jolly Rancher, the edge sharp enough to cut through flesh.

  He cried, “Why would I wear a wire? I’m just a veterinarian.”

  “A what?”

  “An animal doctor.”

  “How do I know you’re not some cop pretending to be an animal doctor?”

  Spotty waved the candy blade at the vet, his maniacal grin growing wider on his face. This clown wasn’t just scary. He was also a genuine honest-to-God psychopath.

  “Look.” Earl dug his wallet out of his back pocket and held out his employee ID card. “I work at the Bronx Zoo. I have a degree in wildlife medicine. I’m not a cop. I’m just a normal guy.”

  The clown peered at the ID with his bright-red eyes.

  “Then why are you so nervous?”

  “I’m just…coulrophobic.”

  “You’re what?”

  “I’m afraid of clowns.”

  The clown looked Earl in the eyes, then back at the ID, then back to Earl’s eyes.

  “I’m not wearing a wire, I swear,” Earl said.

  Then the clown burst into laughter.

  “Of course you’re not wearing a wire,” Spotty said. “Why would you be wearing a wire? You’re just an animal doctor.”

  The wallet nearly fell out the window Earl was trembling so hard.

  The clown cackled. “Lighten up. I’m just bustin’ yer balls.”

  “It was just a joke?”

  “I’m a clown.” Spotty put the shift into gear, beeped his high-pitched horn twice, and sped into traffic. “That’s what we do.”

  It was quickly turning into the worst day of Earl’s life.

  Chapter 2

  As Captain Spotty drove toward Little Bigtop, New York’s infamous clown neighborhood, Earl did everything he could to calm himself down after having a knife shoved in his face by the deranged jester. Although the vet’s phobia was getting worse by the minute, his nervousness seemed to amuse Spotty to no end.

  “You’re coulrophobic, huh? So are you one of those schmucks who believe that clowns hide in your closet at night and feed only on puppies and children?”

  Earl shook his head. “No, it’s just I—”

  “Well, I’ll have you know those rumors are grossly exaggerated. I haven’t eaten a puppy in years. And children give me gas.”

  Spotty giggled at him. Earl didn’t think it was funny.

  The clown came inches away from running over a jaywalker without batting an eye. “So if you’re afraid of clowns, why’d you agree to take a job with the Bozo Family?”

  Earl shrugged. “My wife’s been out of work since the recession last year, so we’re up to our eyeballs in debt.” He didn’t like talking to the clown about his personal life, but talking seemed to ease his anxiety, so he continued. “My youngest daughter goes to a school for autistic children. It’s expensive. My mother-in-law has cancer treatments I’m responsible for. That’s even more expensive. Without this job, we’d probably be out on the street in a matter of weeks.”

  “The Bronx Zoo doesn’t pay you enough?”

  “Not as much as your boss,” Earl said.

  “That’s for sure,” Spotty said. He lifted his scruffy porkpie hat and untangled a cockroach that was entwined in his frizzy green mop of hair. “When it comes to something he loves, Don Bozo spares no expense. And there’s nothing that man loves more than Happytooth—that pet lion of his.”

  “If you don’t mind me asking, why did your boss choose me? Doesn’t he already have a vet that takes care of his lion?”

  “He did have one, but the putz didn’t catch the tumor until it was the size of a cantaloupe.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “It means he wasn’t doing his job. When you don’t do your job, Bozo gets pissed. And when Bozo gets pissed, he feeds your ass to Happytooth.”

  “Oh…”

  Earl’s anxiety flared up again. Although he was considered an expert in the field of wildlife medicine, he never thought he’d have to stake his life on his veterinary skills.

  The Bronx Zoo didn’t pay him as well as Don Bozo, but at least they didn’t feed him to the animals he failed to cure. Earl was just thankful that this was only a onetime gig. If it were a permanent position, the vet figured his life span would probably be cut pretty short.

  “You ever been to Little Bigtop before?”

  Earl shook his head.

  “No, I guess you wouldn’t have, you being afraid of clowns and all. It used to be a lot nicer in the early days, but the place started going downhill once they let all the riffraff in. Still, I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.”

  Earl saw a cockroach crawling on his knee, wiggling its antennae as it explored the sweat-drenched fabric of his pants. He raised his fist to smash it, but then stopped in midair as Spotty said, “What do you think you’re doing?”

  The bug turned to Spotty, looking up at him as if it were a kitten caught in a mischievous act.

  “Luigi, leave the vet alone,” he said to the roach. “Get back over here.”

  On command, the cockroach fluttered its wings and returned to Spotty’s coat.

  Pretending he was raising his hand to do something other than smash the clown’s pet bug, Earl scratched the back of his neck.

  “I’ve been training them since they were larvae,” said the clown, smiling at Luigi and stroking its upper abdomen with a bright-green fingernail. “They’re like my children.”

  Earl nodded, still scratching his neck.

  Spotty looked the vet in the eyes. “Nothing personal, but if you try to smash any of them again you’re going to find yourself at the bottom of the East River.”

  Earl put his hands in his lap and examined his surroundings to make sure there weren’t any more cockroaches crawling near him that might get accidentally squished. There was no telling how serious the mad clown really was about his p
et bugs.

  Chapter 3

  Although Earl despised clowns, his youngest daughter, Mandy, adored them. She had dozens of clown dolls, she decorated her room with clown faces, had clown sheets and a clown lamp. She even dressed up as a clown every Halloween. Earl couldn’t have been more ashamed of himself for being terrified of his own daughter when he took her out trick-or-treating each year.