Barbarian Beast Bitches of the Badlands Read online

  These were some of Hamburglar’s favorite memories.

  Horatio felt something crawling into his arm, and something else crawling into his stomach. He looked down and noticed that small metal worms were exiting Bunny’s body and entering his. They crawled from her hips and asshole, burrowing deep into his flesh.

  “Your worms,” Horatio cried, watching his arms as the parasites disappeared inside of him. “You’re infecting me!”

  Tomahawk removed the battery from the car and was trying to bring it over to the supply truck. He hoped that all the truck needed was a new battery or else he’d be fucked.

  Then he felt the mutant he was dragging bite down on one of his fingers. He slammed his free sledgehammer down on the little man’s head, not caring about the awkward angle anymore, but as soon as it made contact Tomahawk’s arm muscle tweaked and an intense pain shot up his limb.

  He dropped to the ground and the mutant bit him again. Then a gang of infected men swarmed him, jumping on top of him and ripping through his uniform to cut open his flesh. He felt metal worms slide down his throat as he opened his mouth to scream.

  Bunny saw the worms entering Horatio’s wrists.

  She turned around and stared him in the eyes. “Well, I guess this is where you get off.”

  Then she leaned forward to spin around and kicked him in the stomach, knocking him off the machine. He flipped over the side of the sentinel and hit the ground hard, breaking his arm out of the socket. The sentinel’s back feet barely missed him as they stomped down near his head.

  He heard the wolf girl laughing up there as she continued on without him.

  She yelled down, “I guess that’s what you get for shooting my sisters, Meat!”

  Horatio rolled across the ground in pain, retrieving his rifle with his good arm.

  “That fucking Bitch,” he said as he cocked the gun.

  Then he aimed up at the sentinel and fired, but missed. He fired again. Missed. With one arm out of socket it was nearly impossible to aim correctly. Before he could get off a third shot, a crowd of mutants were piling on top of him.

  As their bodies were ripped open and filled with worms, Horatio and Tomahawk looked at each other across the yard. When their eyes locked, they chuckled at each other.

  “Told you short-range weapons would get you killed,” Horatio said, even though Tomahawk was too far away to hear.

  “Told you long-range weapons would get you killed,” Tomahawk said, at the exact same time.

  They just laughed at each other as they bled out, their eyes rolling back, their limbs dropping limp.

  The Hamburglar did eventually find love.

  It happened one day outside the walls of McDonaldland. He was escorting six people from the city. Three wolf women and their three male lovers. He learned that all of them were skilled fighters. Two of them were fencing champions, three were experts in hand to hand combat. It was the most exciting fight he had ever had in his life. Six skilled fighters versus him. It was challenging, exhilarating.

  But even with their skills and their number, the six of them didn’t stand a chance. The Hamburglar was just too talented with a blade. They did last pretty long, though. Nearly ten minutes. They were incredibly fun to kill.

  As he cut open their stomachs and slashed their throats, the Hamburglar realized he had found love. It wasn’t a person he was in love with. It wasn’t a family member, or a pet, or the beauty of nature. No, he realized he was in love with killing people.

  He thought it was romantic the way their flesh ripped open and their entrails poured out. He found it sexual to stab his sword into another person’s body. It made his heart melt to see his opponent’s blood pouring out of them.

  Yes, he was head over heels in love with killing people. Killing was his mistress, his best friend, his soul mate. Killing was what completed him. He didn’t understand how he couldn’t have realized it before. Of course he was in love with it. He had always been in love with it. For he was the Hamburglar, the champion of death.

  So he began to channel his love for death into his music and it transformed his piano playing into powerful compositions of art made sound. His performances were filled with more passion than McDonaldland had ever seen before. He was finally perfect. A true genius.

  And as he slaughtered the mutants two by two, the Hamburglar channeled his love for their deaths into a symphony that was playing inside of his head. His blades danced to the rhythm, decapitating heads and dismembering hands and feet.

  He didn’t notice Horatio and Tomahawk being torn to shreds behind him. He didn’t realize the wolf woman escaping on a giant mechanical spider. He was too busy getting intimate with his lover. His body pressed tightly to hers, engulfed by her sweet juices, kissing her deeply, their hearts beating as one.

  Hyena rides her motorcycle ahead of the pack, all alone on the road, just as she likes it. There’s something she finds romantic about being alone on the open road—the wind blowing through her spotted fur, the nipples on her naked fuzzy breasts chilling into stiffness, the rumbling of the machine between her thighs. It puts her mind at ease. And after yesterday’s battle in McDonaldland, she desperately needs her mind at ease.

  She doesn’t want to look back at her sisters riding far behind her, because it would remind her that only seventeen of them are left. Although the Warriors had won the war, over ninety percent of her tribe had been killed in recent weeks. They are hardly a tribe anymore. They’re now just a roaming gang of wolf bitches.

  There is something on the road up ahead, moving toward her. It is not a vehicle. It is some kind of tall machine walking on metal legs. Hyena squints her eyes. The thing is shaped a bit like a spider, with somebody on top of it, riding it like a motorcycle.

  Hyena readies her machine gun and slows down for her sisters to catch up. The new leader of the Warriors, Talon, speeds up to ride alongside her.

  “What is it?” Talon asks.

  Hyena shrugs. “It doesn’t look friendly.”

  When they get closer, they notice the Gatling guns mounted on the sides of the machine. That’s enough to tell them that the thing is hostile. Hyena aims her gun at the rider, speeding up to get into range.

  “Wait,” Talon calls.

  Then she points up at the rider. When Hyena sees a fellow wolf woman up there, she lowers her weapon.

  The mechanical spider comes to a halt when it meets the Warrior gang. Their sister riding it, Bunny, hops down to greet them.

  “You’re alive?” Hyena asks.

  “Nice to see you, too, bitch,” Bunny says with a toothy smile. Then she looks up at the sentinel she was riding. “Glad I ran into you guys. This thing moves so slow I thought it would take me all year trying to get back to you.”

  It had been several weeks since any of them had seen Bunny. She had been captured during a raid on an Outlander supply run, deep in the wasteland where Warriors rarely traveled. She wasn’t there during the final battle against the Outlanders. She doesn’t know what’s happened yet.

  The rest of the Warrior bikes and vehicles pull over around the spider machine. Bunny looks at them and waves at those she respects enough to acknowledge.

  “So what are you doing way out here?” Bunny asks. “You surely didn’t come to rescue me.”

  Hyena and Talon look at each other. They don’t know how to break the news to her.

  “Are you all on a raid or something?”

  By the way Talon looks at her, Bunny can tell something is wrong.

  “What happened?” Bunny asks. “Where is everyone?”

  Talon glances over at her sisters watching from the vehicles around them. She takes Bunny aside.

  “We’re all that’s left.”

  Bunny’s eyes quiver. She exposes her fangs as if to laugh or say something, but her mouth just hangs open.

  Talon continues, “Over the past few weeks, the Meat army was getting more and more aggressive. It escalated into full war. We won in the end, but not many of us s
urvived.”

  “What about Grandma?” Bunny asks.

  Talon shakes her head.

  Bunny has to step away to take it all in.

  “We decided to leave our woods, get as far away from McDonaldland as possible. We’re going to find somewhere else we can call home.”

  “You’ve taken Grandma’s place as leader now?” Bunny asks.

  Talon nods.

  “Who will be second in command? Who will lead the knights?”

  “Slayer,” Talon says.

  “Slayer?” Bunny says. “That kid? Hyena and I have been knights since she was still a citizen of McDonaldland. Why did you pick her?”

  “She’s grown up a lot in the past few weeks,” Talon says. “Besides, deep down you know that neither you nor Hyena have what it takes to lead the knights.”

  “But Slayer?”

  “It’s already been decided.”

  Talon doesn’t want to speak about it any further. She knows that complaining about Slayer’s advancement is just Bunny’s way of dodging the reality of the situation. But as a new leader, she can’t have her decisions questioned. She turns to the others.

  “Let’s get off the road and set up camp,” Talon says.

  The women are eager to comply. They have not stopped to rest for more than five minutes since they left McDonaldland the day before. It’s about time they got some food and sleep.

  Hyena sets up her tent away from the others. Even though wolf women are pack animals, Hyena prefers to sleep away from the pack, even if it’s considered dangerous to do so. When she lived in McDonaldland, she was the same way. But back then it was different. In the wasteland, her sisters usually respect the fact that she prefers to be alone. But privacy for her was nonexistent in McDonaldland.

  She was a chubby, voluptuous girl weighing over 250 pounds, which was the perfect weight for a McDonaldland girl her age. All the boys were infatuated with her beauty, her curvy hips, her big ass, her bulbous breasts, and the numerous rolls in her soft white flesh. All the girls wanted to be just like her, all the boys wanted to date her. She was the most popular girl in school.

  But she loathed all the attention. She didn’t want to be popular. She wanted to be ignored. She wanted to be treated like an outcast. She started dressing differently, cutting her red and yellow clothing into unusual designs, inventing new makeup configurations which often made her look like a clown.

  But instead of ostracizing her for her strange new looks, her classmates saw it as a cool new trend and copied her style. Everyone was going to school looking like clowns. Even though it was against dress code, the ultra conservative teachers and parents approved because they saw it as an homage to their savior from the McDonaldland Bible, Ronald McDonald.

  Worse than the kids at school, Hyena couldn’t handle the attention that her family gave her. She was their fat little angel. Most of her life, her parents put her into beauty pageants which she would often win. They wanted her to become a popular model after school, so that she could make them rich enough to retire early. They thought she would be the perfect pretty face to appear on billboard advertisements, holding Big Macs and triple cheeseburgers next to her cleavage. Nothing sounded worse to Hyena than that lifestyle. If she became a celebrity she would have even less privacy. Not a single person in McDonaldland would ever leave her alone. But her parents didn’t give her any choice.

  Not only did their dreams for her future annoy Hyena, but they also never allowed her any privacy. She wasn’t allowed to lock her bedroom door, or even keep it closed. She wasn’t even allowed to use the bathroom in private. After she had gone through puberty, her parents were paranoid that Hyena might give in to her sexual urges and experimental with masturbation. Then she would get kicked out of the city and they would lose their future meal ticket.

  Hyena often fantasized about leaving McDonaldland and going off into the wilds of the wasteland, where she could be left alone. All she had to do was masturbate a single time and the government would kick her out. But she didn’t want to get kicked out for masturbating. It seemed dishonorable to her. Like suicide, it was the coward’s way out. Hyena was no coward.

  As Hyena sits by her tent, struggling to start a fire with wet kindling, she hears someone creeping through the trees. Hyena smells the wind. She can’t see her, but she can smell who it is. It’s Nova, going off on her own again. Nova also seems to like to be alone, especially in recent weeks. But unlike Hyena, she doesn’t go off on her own because she finds it more comfortable and relaxing. Nova’s been going off on her own because she’s depressed. She just wants to get away from her problems.

  Talon comes to Hyena’s tent and sits down next to her.

  “How are they doing?” Hyena asks, trying to dry her kindling against her spotted furry hip.

  Talon shakes her head. “It’s going to be a long time before they recover from what’s happened.”

  “Are you making a plan to boost morale?”

  “Not yet,” Talon says. “They need time to mourn. The only thing that’s going to boost morale is to start going back on raids, and they’re not ready for that yet.”

  With the kindling dry, Hyena puts it back in the fire pit and tries to light it again. “Not to mention there isn’t anyone to raid way out here in the middle of nowhere.”

  Talon shakes her head. “There’s other civilizations out here somewhere. We know of at least one, in Texas. I’m sure there’s even more if we look hard enough.”

  Hyena gets a small flame to appear among the kindling. “I’m ready to go on raids whenever you give the order.”

  “I know you are, Hyena.”

  Talon pulls out one of her axes and hacks into a log, creating wood to feed the fire.

  Talon smells something in the air.

  “Who is that?” she says. “Is that Nova?”

  “Yeah,” Hyena says.

  “She’s . . .” Talon smells again. “She’s masturbating.”

  “Yeah,” Hyena says. “I can smell it, too.”

  Hyena wipes the wind away from her nose.

  “She’s going through a tough time,” Talon says. “I think she wants to turn, so that she can forget about everything that’s happened to her.”

  “She’s taking the coward’s way out,” Hyena says.

  “We all cope differently,” Talon says. Then she takes a deep breath of the sexual aroma through her black, wet nostrils.

  Nova was kicked out of McDonaldland because she had been raped. A lot of girls were kicked out of McDonaldland for getting raped. When Hyena lived there, she always wished that she was one of those girls. She wished she would have a reason to be kicked out of McDonaldland, other than masturbating. So Hyena did whatever she could in hopes that somebody would rape her. She used to go on dates with horny asshole jocks, hoping they would try to take advantage of her, but they were all wimps. Even when she got them in private and seduced them, grabbing at their cocks through their pants until they had raging hard-ons, they did nothing. They all seemed scared of sex, scared of what she would do to them if she transformed into a wolf after she climaxed. McDonaldland media was quite proficient in scaring the sex out of young people.

  Then Hyena started going into the bad parts of town, walking the streets alone at night, hoping somebody would rape her. But she didn’t have any luck. Whenever she saw a suspicious-looking man out in the streets, she would follow him, stalk him, hoping that he would turn around and grab her. But these men, even the ones that were obviously on the prowl, seemed more scared of her than she was of them. They were predators who were beginning to feel like prey.

  Eventually, Hyena couldn’t take it anymore. After a night of walking the streets, running into creepy-looking guy after creepy-looking guy, none of which tried to do anything, she had had enough. The next lone man she saw, she wasn’t going to let him get away with not raping her.

  As a sleazy low-class thug of man crossed her path, she grabbed him and pulled him into a secluded alley.

&n
bsp; “Rape me,” she told him, her eyes angry.

  The man didn’t know what to do. He was confused.

  “I said rape me, you piece of shit!”

  The man pushed her out of the way and tried to scurry out of the alley, but Hyena grabbed a yellow brick from the ground and swung it at the back of his head. He fell to the ground.

  He waved his arms out at her. She sat down on his chest, pinning him to the ground with her hefty butt cheeks, and hit him with the brick again.

  “Stop it!” he cried.

  She hit him again.

  “Are you going to rape me or not?” she said.

  He didn’t answer. She hit him again, hard, right in the center of the face. Blood gushed out of his nostrils and right eye.

  “You broke my nose,” he cried.

  She hit him again, breaking out three of his teeth.

  “If you don’t rape me I’m going to fucking crush your head open.”

  She raised the brick high above her head, ready to murder him right then and there.

  “Okay,” he said, holding out his hands in surrender. “I’ll do it! Just don’t hit me again!”

  The man was bleeding and shaking in fear as he lay on top of Hyena, raping her. She had the brick aimed directly at his head. If he stopped or tried to get away before he finished raping her, she promised she would beat him to death before he could get three feet.

  She reported the rape the next morning, but discovered that her rapist had already been to the police station. He was in the hospital and had to get thirty-six stitches in his face. After admitting her guilt, the rumors started to fly. She was the first female in McDonaldland to ever be convicted of rape. Her parents were disgraced. They wouldn’t even speak to her as she was exiled.

  But Hyena couldn’t have been happier. She was finally going to be rid of her family, her friends, and her life in McDonaldland. She would finally be left all alone, in a vast empty wasteland with no parents, no classmates, and no social responsibility.