Cuddly Holocaust Read online

  “Are you kidding?” Riley said. “They haven’t been on the same side for years now. Once the smart-toys won the war against the humans, they split into factions. They’ve been fighting each other over territory ever since.”

  “How do you know all of this?”

  “How do you not know?”

  Julie didn’t know what to say. She had been so focused on preparing for her mission for so long that she stopped paying attention to what was happening in the world around her.

  Down below, Julie could see Captain Caw and Choppy the Bulldog. The bulldog was using his wrecked slinky-spider as cover while he fired upon the onslaught of Whiners. The plushy bulldog was described as heavy infantry and Julie understood why. He held a Gatling machine gun twice the size of a human torso. It looked like it belonged on the side of a helicopter rather than being held by a lone soldier. The weapon dealt ten times more damage than the slinky-spider armaments. The bullets were high enough caliber to tear the Whiners’ bodies in half.

  Captain Caw was also down below, but he didn’t take cover. The vicious kangaroo hopped from Whiner to Whiner, slicing them down with his samurai swords. The toy was deadly with his blades and incredibly fast on his feet. The smart-soldiers were not able to hit him, despite their vast numbers and his large size.

  “Get off this roof,” Riley yelled.

  Julie looked back, wondering what the kid was talking about.

  “They’ve found us,” he said.

  Then she noticed the smart-soldiers weren’t only crawling all over the roof, they were all over her vehicle. These little green men were not riding on Whiners. Like a swarm of insects, they crawled over the cockpit windshield, trying to blast their way in.

  “Hang on,” Julie said.

  She hit the handle triggers and launched the slinky-spider into the air. The wind pressure wiped away all of the tiny men, sending them tumbling into space.

  “Are you okay back there?” Julie asked the kid as they passed through the clouds.

  “Yeah,” Riley said. “They shot at me but missed.”

  “Glad you’re okay,” she said.

  “If you hadn’t jumped when you did I would have been killed.”

  “Good,” Julie said. “I need you alive.”

  After hearing that, the boy remained silent for the rest of the descent.

  Julie landed near Choppy and Captain Caw, but the second she hit the ground she realized she came down in the worst possible place. There were hundreds of Whiner zombies surrounding them and thousands upon thousands of little green men charging across the ground like army ants.

  Choppy’s giant machine gun meant nothing once the mini soldiers arrived. They crawled below his feet, shot grappling hooks into his flesh, and climbed him like a mountain. Then they fired hundreds of tiny rounds into his plushy hide. Choppy cried out, firing his weapon haphazardly across the field. He took out the prisoner in the back of his slinky-spider before the soldiers got the chance to kill her.

  The prisoner in the back of Captain Caw’s smashed-up vehicle tried to run for it, but only made it a few yards before being gunned down by the miniature soldiers. Julie couldn’t even tell if the prisoner was a man or a woman. It was just a raggedy corpse swallowed up by the swarm of tiny green men.

  Before she could take off again, Julie saw Captain Caw racing toward her, hopping through the battlefield, slicing down Whiner after Whiner that got into his path. He thought she had landed there in order to rescue him. For a moment, Julie debated leaving him to the smart-soldiers, but realized that wouldn’t have been the smartest move. She had to think and act like one of them if she planned to keep her cover.

  Although the Whiners weren’t too much trouble for the kangaroo, the swarm of soldiers on the ground had become too much for him. His hide was covered in tiny bullet holes by the time he reached Julie’s slinky-spider. He looked as if he had disturbed a wasp’s nest.

  “Go!” the Captain yelled as he jumped onto the back of Julie’s horse.

  Julie hit the trigger and the vehicle flew into the air. She hoped the kangaroo would have fallen to his death on his own, but the ugly bastard clung like a tick, holding onto the barred window of Riley’s cell.

  Julie hopped across the landscape, trying to catch up to the others. The fields were just as thick with Whiners up ahead as they were back at the ambush.

  When she caught up to them, she could tell something was wrong.

  “Why are they stopped up there?” the Captain yelled at Julie. “They should have been long gone by now.”

  She looked more carefully. The turtle’s medical horse was not moving, lying on the ground with twisted slinky legs. The other two slinky-spiders were creating a wall in front of it, fighting off the onslaught of Whiners coming their way, trying with all their might to save their unconscious General.

  “The medical horse is down,” Julie told the kangaroo in the back. “The others are protecting it.”

  “Is the General alright?” asked the Captain.

  “I can’t tell,” Julie said.

  “Get me to the medical horse,” he ordered. “Quickly.”

  Julie bounced straight down the line, through the blazing gunfire of the two slinky-spiders, and stopped in front of the medical horse. Captain Caw jumped off the back and went toward the wrecked vehicle.

  The turtle medic lay limp in the cockpit, his face and chest littered with tiny holes. The Captain didn’t bother checking on the General. He tossed his comrade’s corpse over the side and jumped into the driver’s seat. The medical horse appeared to still be operational as it whirred to life.

  “Let’s go, let’s go,” yelled the kangaroo.

  Then the four slinky-spiders leapt into the sky, far out of the smart-soldiers’ rifle range. When they landed, they leapt again and again, until they were completely outside of Whiner territory.

  “I can’t believe this shit,” Velvet said as she stepped down from her horse. “What the hell was that?”

  It was the first chance they had gotten to stop and regroup. Six miles away from Whiner territory, they found a plateau overlooking the wasteland. It was the safest place they could find.

  “Those little fuckers have always been masters of the ambush,” said Captain Caw as he stepped out of the medical horse.

  “Where the hell did they all come from, man?” the flower cried, tumbling down the steps of his slinky-spider. His voice was incredibly twitchy and high. “Those things were everywhere. How the hell did we get out of there alive? Where’s Choppy? What the hell happened to Choppy?”

  The Captain went to the back of the medical horse, wiping the turtle’s blood from his backside. Then he opened the hatch to check on the General.

  “Is he okay?” Velvet asked.

  Julie kept her distance from the others, leaning against the back of her slinky-spider next to Riley. Now that there were only three plushies left it would be even more difficult for her to keep a low profile.

  The Captain examined the teddy bear. “I can’t tell. He’s still breathing.”

  “How are we going to get him back without a medic?” Velvet asked.

  The kangaroo just glared at her in response.

  Then he said, “The deal still stands. If the General dies you all die. I don’t care if it’s not your fault. Do everything you can to make sure he pulls through.”

  He shut the hatch of the medical horse.

  “You all did good out there, considering the circumstances,” he said. His voice was quieter, more understanding. “We’re short two men, but we can still get through this. As long as the General lives, there’s still hope.”

  He stepped from the circle of vehicles, heading away from the group.

  “Our horses need a few hours to rest and recharge,” said the Captain. “Get some sleep if you need it. I’ll keep watch.”

  The other plushies didn’t respond, just staring at the Captain with dumbfounded looks on their faces.

  Velvet came up to Julie and leane
d against the slinky-spider next to her.

  “Is that fuck for real?” she asked Julie. “How the hell did we get stuck with a commanding officer like him?”

  The flower came to them, jittering in a panic.

  “He doesn’t really mean it, right?” the tweaked-out flower said to them. “He’s not really going to kill us. He can’t. It would be criminal. Can we report this? Why would he kill us? It would be a waste. We’re his men. He should want us to live.”

  “Pepper, he doesn’t give a shit about us,” Velvet told the flower. “We have only one use to him, and that’s to help him get the General to safety. If the General dies we just become dead weight.”

  “But you saw the General,” Pepper said. “There’s no way he’s going to pull through.”

  “Stop being such a pessimist all the time.”

  “I’m just being realistic,” Pepper said. “The bear’s going to die. Sooner or later, it’s going to happen. Then what are we going to do? What do we do if he dies and the Captain comes after us?”

  “We should kill him before he kills us,” Julie said.

  The two plushies stared at her. She didn’t like them looking at her face in such close range, so she stepped away from the slinky-spider and paced through the grass.

  “Good luck,” Velvet said. “That guy can take out an entire army single-handedly.”

  “But he’s wounded,” Julie said. “He was hit by dozens of rounds back there.”

  “Even wounded, I still wouldn’t mess with him,” Velvet said. “If he does come after us we run in three different directions. If we’re lucky he’ll only catch one of us and let the others get away.”

  “But what if he comes after me?” Pepper cried. “I’m way too slow. And you’re pregnant. He’d get us all for sure.”

  “Then maybe we should kill him before the General dies,” Julie said. “It might catch him off guard.”

  They gave Julie a long stare as if she were the craziest person they’d ever met.

  “Are you insane?” Velvet said.

  Julie shrugged. “I don’t care what I have to do. I’m not going to die out here. If the Captain becomes a threat then he’ll have to be eliminated. You can help me or I’ll do it myself.”

  Then Julie climbed the ladder toward the cockpit of her slinky-spider.

  “Hey Poro,” said the purple bunny. “You’re a crazy bitch, but I think I’m beginning to like you.”

  Julie didn’t respond to that.

  She just said, “I’m going to get some rest.”

  And then closed herself inside the black sphere of a horse.

  While pretending to rest in her cockpit, Julie used the time to finish the job that her doctor had started. Using sutures she found in the first aid kit below the dashboard, she sewed the panda mask to her face.

  Because the mask was a perfect fit, she was able to sew some parts of the mask to the hood of fur on her scalp. But some areas, such as around her nose and chin, she had to sew the furry panda face directly to her flesh.

  “Are you okay?” Riley asked her.

  He could hear her cringing in pain as she stabbed the needles through her skin.

  “Shut up,” she told him. “Just be a fucking prisoner back there and shut up.”

  Julie didn’t like people to see her in pain. Even though the kid could only hear her, it was enough to make her uncomfortable. She tried to hold off the pain so that the kid wouldn’t notice, but the agony became far too unbearable once she had to sew the eyeholes of the mask to the tender flesh under her inner eyelids.

  Julie’s face was in too much pain to sleep, so she opened the hatch on her cockpit and climbed the ladder down the side of her slinky-spider. Before she could reach the bottom, Pepper the sunflower jumped her from behind.

  “You don’t hate me do you?” Pepper asked.

  His voice was so frantic Julie wasn’t sure what he had said at first.

  “Why would I hate you?” Julie said.

  “You were in there for so long I thought maybe you were avoiding me,” Pepper said. “Most people don’t like me. They say I annoy them and talk too much. I don’t talk too much do I?”

  Julie tried not to look at the flower’s soft round face. Unlike the other plushies, the flower’s face didn’t have much expression. All it could really do was smile. The mouth on the face didn’t even seem to move.

  “Maybe a little,” Julie said.

  “Everyone always ignores me and shuts me out,” Pepper said. “They treat me like less of a being. Is it because I don’t have organs like everyone else does now? I don’t have a heart? Is it because I’m still a machine?” He grabbed his thin stem-like body. His fingers could fit all the way around it. “The doctors say my body won’t fit any organs. I can’t have the operation. Is that fair? I don’t think it’s fair. I would have the operation if I could. I’m not less of a being because I don’t have organs am I?”

  Julie wanted to get away from him as quickly as possible.

  “What’s so great about organs?” Julie said. “You’re better off without them.”

  “But everyone has them now,” said the flower. “Why would I be better off without them?”

  Julie quoted the speech Poro gave her as a child, “They get diseased. They rot. You have to take good care of them or else you get sick. They’re just a pain in the ass if you ask me.”

  The flower stopped and thought about it for a second.

  Then he said, “You mean… I’m better because I don’t have organs?”

  “Of course you are.”

  The flower looked off into space. “Hey, yeah… Yeah! If I had organs I’d probably get one of those bacterial infections that everyone keeps getting. I don’t want to smell like rotten meat. I’m a flower. I’m supposed to smell pretty!”

  While the flower was busy being excited about his fresh-smelling petals, Julie used the opportunity to sneak away from him. She walked along the edge of the plateau and found a quiet place to sit, away from the others.

  “Damn…” Julie said when she had the chance to breathe in the view.

  The sky was pink and orange as the sun was setting behind the skeletal city. She hadn’t seen a sunset in a very long time. She had forgotten about sights such as this, spending far too much of her life hiding underground and focused on survival.

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” said a gruff voice behind her.

  Julie looked back to see the kangaroo perched on a tall rock. She just nodded a response and went back to taking in the view.

  “It makes all of it worthwhile,” he said. “All the shit we’ve had to endure. All the horrible atrocities we’ve had to commit. It all comes into perspective when you sit back and admire the natural beauty of the world we’ve inherited.”

  Julie nodded as he spoke.

  “Now that it’s all ours, we’ve got to do right by it,” he continued. “That’s what General Griz always told me.”

  The Captain paused for a moment to light up a cigarette.

  “I know you all think I’m crazy for putting so much importance in Old Griz,” he said. “But it’s not just because he’s done so much for our kind. It’s personal. That bear has been like a father to me.”

  The kangaroo took a drag off his cigarette and let out a long exhalation.

  Then he continued, “Don’t get me wrong. I know perfectly well that Griz is a motherfucker. Everyone knows how that guy can get. But if you knew the side of him that I know, you might understand the old bastard. Deep down, that son of a bitch has more heart than any toy I’ve ever known.”

  Julie felt uneasy hearing all of this. She planned to kill the teddy bear herself if he didn’t die on his own before they left the badlands. She didn’t need to hear about his redeeming qualities. The General was a monster and deserved what was coming to him.

  “You see, Griz knows these times are cruel,” said the kangaroo. “And he knows he’s a product of these times. But he believes it’s going to take cruelty in orde
r to secure a bright future for our species. That’s why he does what he does. It’s all for the future of our kind.”

  The kangaroo stood up.

  “I heard what you three were saying back there,” said the Captain. “Those were some treasonous words.”

  Julie froze, amazed that he heard them conspiring against him from across the hill. He had to have been thirty yards away when they had that conversation.

  “I completely understand why you’d want to kill me before I killed you,” he said. His voice was completely calm and unthreatening. “I’d do the same. But that doesn’t change anything. The deal still stands.”

  He jumped down from the rock. Julie clicked the safety off of her machine gun, preparing herself to shoot him if he came any closer.

  “You probably saved my life back there,” said the kangaroo. “And I’m grateful. That’s why I’m giving you this warning.”

  Julie turned to point her rifle at the kangaroo, but he leapt at her faster than she could blink. He seized the barrel of her weapon in his fluffy claws and pointed it over his shoulder.

  “If you do come after me,” he said, staring directly in her goggles, “I’ll know you’re coming.”

  Then he let go of her weapon and hopped backward, over the column of rocks toward the horses.

  As Julie sat there, trying to catch her breath, she wondered how the hell such a toy as Captain Caw had ever been created. He was able to disarm her within an instant, with his bare hands, from fifteen feet away. She wondered if it wouldn’t have been best to have left him to the Whiners back there.

  As Julie stood and brushed dirt from her plushy fur, three toys crawled up the side of the hill toward her. They were plastic teeth the size of shoeboxes. They walked toward her on thin noodley legs, smiling at her with tiny cartoon faces.

  She backed away, gripping her machine gun. Behind her, there were even more of them. She was surrounded. They came up the hill by the dozen, almost dancing as they walked, making giggly gurgling noises that chilled Julie to her human bones.